From The *Somewhat Twisted* Mind Of Dulux-Oz

Am I an addict? Am I addicted to the endorphic pleasure that creating brings me? Is that why I do it? Is that why I do little else?

It's true that I enjoy writing code; that I enjoy solving the problems that invariable crop up in attempting to command a computer to perform new and varied tasks. I enjoy also that others think my creations are good; good enough to use and good enough to wait in anticipation for the next upgrade or the next new piece of work (although not, apparently, good enough to actually shell out their hard earned bucks for - but that's another issue). But simple enjoyment doesn't explain things; at least not to me; at least not in my mind.

No, for after even only a few days the pleasure that the praise of others has given me has worn off and I find myself trawling, wanting, needing that next piece of congratulations written in a post or in an email, and so when the posts dry up I find myself back in front of my keyboard, back in front of my computer, typing away on improving an old piece of work or coming up with a new one, all for the accolades that I hope will be waiting for me when I finally release my latest creation. And yet the underlying pleasure of the act of creation remains, the simply joy that looking at an existing creation brings, knowing that the job is done and done well, even after the praise has dried up and blown away.

Is this what best-selling novelists go through? Is that why they produce story after story after story? Do they never stop because the need to create consumes them - like a drug consumes a junkie? Do they live for the same endorphic pleasure that I seem to do? Are they driven to put fingers on keys in the same way and for the same reasons? Do they live and die by the words of the reviewer - they certainly live or die by the number of copies they sell.

Why does this urge to create exist in us? Why do we create marvelous worlds for our players; marvelous plot-lines for our readers; marvelous pieces of art for those we don't even know? Is it for the praise that our creations bring, or is it something deeper, more fundamental, more entwined with our sense of being and our sense of self? I know I would create even without an audience, without the kudos, but still I find myself hunting, yearning for the words of encouragement; for the endorsement of others that my work is as good as I think it is; for the pleasure that I see in the eyes of my friends; that I hear in the laughter and the moans of my players; that I read in the posts from people I only know of via a handle on a forum.

Am I that shallow, that needing of the acknowledgment of others, that I would whore myself and my talents for a few kind works? I don't think so; I hope not. And yet, here I am asking the question, and in a public setting as well. Is this but a moment of self-reflection, or an realization of something else? Am I, indeed, addicted, and if so to what? The praise of others, or the joy of bringing something new, something no-one has ever seen before, something no-one else could do for each creation is unique like its creator - which is it, or is it all of them?

Perhaps I'll never know, but I wonder if I'm the only creator who asks these questions of themselves, or if there are others.

This too perhaps I'll never know.